This brings us to:
Core Principal # 8: Teach your children the value of work and accomplishment.
We recommend you start early in teaching your children that every member of the family has responsibilities. Such responsibilities, of course, need to be age-appropriate. While it may not be realistic to expect your 5 year old to clean their room. They should know how to hang up their coat and when to pick up their toys and where to put them.
Two good times for executing these very basic tasks might be before bedtime or when ever the family is expecting a guest to come over.
Most of the foundational strategies discussed in the previous post on parenting preschoolers still apply. If you have remained consistent in the application of the previously discussed strategies accomplishing the tasks of this stage will be much easier. Be sure to give children lots of positive attention when thy follow through and make rewards contingent upon task accomplishment. For example if your children are looking forward to a story time with you or a special video or project before bed, the given tasks should be completed first.
By ages 8 to 10 children should make the connection that three important rewards are gained by the completion of their chores with a "good and right attitude." The first reward is self respect tthrough attainment of a job well done. The second reward is the additional favor from others who provide positive feedback on the good job accomplished. The third benefit is the earning of privileges.
Some parents might wish to give their child an contingent upon accomplishing expected chores with a god and right attitude. That's not a bad idea since it models what will happen later on in real life. Giving allowance just because we love them sounds sweet, but really does little to help the child mature.
While we certainly believe there is nothing wrong with giving gifts to children simply because we love them and want to bless them, we discourage doing this to the point that the children expect such entitlement. Overdoing the gift giving and failing to help the children learn the rewards of personal responsibility and accomplishment is a disservice to the children's development.
Sometimes divorced parents give in far too much to their children's desires to make up for the pain they experienced in the divorce or to barter for more of the child's favor. This kind of twisted overcompensation to the children's' desires will only make it harder for them to grow up. A good parent confidently loves their children and is not afraid to let them experience some healthy disappointment when it is in the children's best interest.
In this day and age there are far too many frenzied and frustrated parents picking up after their kids rather than taking the time to teach the kids to pick up after themselves! If you think you are being too hard on the kids by insisting they learn to do some things for themselves, at young ages you better change your thinking fast. If you don't, you will be cleaning up and perhaps covering up for irresponsible teens before you know it!
If you need extra help teaching your kids how to work we recommend Patricia Sprinkle's book: Children Who Do Too Little. You can read more about his resource at:
http://cfgcresourcereviewspar.blogspot.com/
By the way, if your kids are whining and complaining about the reasonable task you require of them, you might ask yourself where they learned this behavior. You may recall from our prior post that much of a child's behavior is learned from their environment. Like it or not, effective parenting require our own emotional maturity along with good deal of time, work and availability to get the job done. To be sure, it is a much easier if both parents are present and working together on the same page. Sometimes this is just not possible and we will have some special guidelines for single parents in a later post.
Next to the matter of "Work" is the issue of " School"
Before your kids reach school-age, you need to put some serious thought into0 the modality of their education. The three basic options are, private Christian school, public school or home schooling.
Private Christian schools can vary a lot in terms of academic and environmental quality. One thing they seem to have in common is that they tend to be the more expensive route for the family budget. If you can afford it and the quality is high in both vital areas you may want to consider this option. It is, however, often not an option for many families due to budgetary restraints.
While we recognize there are many gifted and committed teachers in the public schools there are clearly political and environmental factors that can be alarming to many Christian parents in the 21st century. Times have changed in our culture and the public school environment can sometimes be a far cry from the "family friendly" environment many of our grand parents remember, particularly in the junior high and high school grades.
At Christian Family Guidance Center, we are clearly biased in favor of the homeshooling option. This option can be great if you have the following combination of factors:
- Both spouses are supportive and committed to this option.
- Families have a good support system of other homeshooling families in their local.
- Families maintain reasonable structure and good records o9f academic progress.
- Families understand the homeschooling legislation in their state and work to promote this option politically.
Regardless of the choice you make in your child's education you must give heed to the the following core principal.
Core Principal # 9: Be highly involved in your children's education.
A high degree of parental concern and involvement is the major correlate of academic success.
Make sure you know what your kids are doing in school and teach your kids to get their homework done.
If your kids are in public or private school, meet the teachers and recognized that their job is simply to support your efforts to educate your children. In other words, educating the children is still more your responsibility than theirs. If your child is quick to complain about the teature when his or her grades slip, you better think twice and investigate the matter before you blame the teacher! Most teachers are dedicated, hard working professionals and have a genuine desire to help children learn. If that were not the case, they would probably leave the profession for more money and better working conditions.
A sub task of the last core principal is to work toward helping your children discover their natural, God given interests, skills and abilities. Most involved parents will see these gifts spring forth as they provide varied experiences for their children to explore.
Be careful, however, that you don't over complicate the child's life by pushing them to be involved in too much at one time. Some parents think their kids have to be involved in everything at once and find themselves running back and forth across town to one event after another. This can put an awful strain on the marriage as well. Life must be kept in balance.
Let your moderation be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.
Philippians 4:5
Philippians 4:5
During these school-age and pre-teen years we believe it is very important that parents instill the Biblical truth that each child is a special masterpiece of God's handiwork who has been uniquely gifted to accomplish some special purpose in this world. That teaching is summarized very clearly in the following passage of scripture:
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works
which God before ordained that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:10 KJV
which God before ordained that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:10 KJV
Each child needs to grow up recognizing that he or she has a personal responsibility to develop their talents and skills so that they can glorify God and find true fulfilment in doing the kind of work they are best suited for.
Core Principal # 10: Control the media in your home.
We can't urge yyou strongly enough on this factor. The days of "family friendly" media started coming to an end in the mid to late 1960s.
You must not allow school age children free and full access to the media.
You may not like it, but we are going to say it anyway. You can't have blatant double standards. If it is unhealthy for the kids - it is probably unhealthy for you. Certainly there may be some movies you and your mate watch that could be too intense or to complex for the kids. What we are really talking about here is whether or not the adults in the household are watching things that contain scenes or language that is inappropriate for God's people to watch, much less the children. If you feel you have to hit the mute button or turn the picture off when the kids walk in, you may have the double standard we are talking about. We recommend that you set an example for your children and they see that you too have values that you actually live by.
Much of what we have been talking about thus far, falls under the category of "entertainment." That word contains two root words, "enter" (which means to come in) and "tain" (which means to hold). Given that understanding, exactly what kind of influences do you want to enter into your children and hold them?!!! Think about it. Our brain cells are like "little trees" with multiple branches that interconnect with about 1000 billion other such cells. Everything in life gets recorded. What kind of memory trees are going to be build in your children's minds?
Don't even think of letting your kids on the computer unless you have good parental. controls and internet filters such as: Be Safe Online. www. bsafeonline.com
Any computer a child uses should be in an open traffic area and their time on it should be computer should be structured according to age level and work responsibility.
There should be similar control on cell phones. When children are young they might have a phone that is reprogrammed for emergency calls. By the time they are given a regular cell phone they should have some financial responsibility tied to its use.
You must also be cautious about email and social networkingng sites such as Facebook, Myspace etc. Many child predators try to gain access to children through these methods.
For more information on the use of media in your home we recommend you read
Disconnected by Chap & Dee Clark.
Last but not least in this school age period we come to:
Core Principal # 11: Become the Architect of your children's peer group.
Yes, we really did say that! You must make every effort to meet families who share your parenting and lifestyle values. The children from these families can then become your children's "inner circle" of friends. This task may be a little easier if you choose the homeschooling or Christian schooling options but even if you don't, you must not neglect to make every effort to see that your kids spend much of their recreation time around "like-minded" family and peer influences.
While it is unrealistic to think you can control all such factors in your children's lives, you are not likely to regret your efforts given the state of our current culture. Even if your child is in a public school system you can still work to help cultivate many positive family and peer relationships. The earlier you start on this, the better.
A necessary part of this strategy is to make sure you equip your son or daughter with the knowledge and skills to assess the qualities of healthy relationships. That means you should have an open rapport with your children where they know it is safe to share their thoughts and feelings about their peer relationships. Rather than simply telling them what they should do or think we recommend helping them learn to evaluate such issues by asking open ended questions. Consider the following two dialogues:
How not to do it!
10 year old child: Mom Johnny sometimes says words that are bad and even calls me names.
Mom: Well you tell Johny that if he does it again I am going to have a talk with his mom!
10 year old: But if you do that he will really give me more trouble at school!
Mom: Just do what I say! I'll take care of it!
A better alternative.
11 year old child: Mom Johnny sometimes says words that are bad and even calls me names.
Mom: How long has that been going on?
10 year old: Ever since I have known him.
Mom: What do you do when it happens.
11 year old: Nothing usually.
Mom; How do you feel when he does that..
11 year old: I feel uncomfortable and don't like to hear it. Sometimes I am embarrassed if others hear him.
Mom: Have you ever thought about asking Johnny to stop doing it around you?
11 year old: Yes ,but I am afraid he might make fun of me.
Mom: If he does that what do you think you might have to do to?
11 year old: I'll probably have to stop spending time with him and find another friend to
talk to at school.
Mom: Well, it sounds to me like you may have to find out if he is going to respect you as a friend and make this change or not.
11 year old: Yep! I guess so, but I think it will still be hard for me.
Mom: The Bible says we have to speak truth in love and this sounds like it may be one of those times. I think you have a good head on your shoulders and you can find a nice way to tell him. How he responds will let you know if you can maintain your friendship with him.
11year old: Thanks mom, I know you are right.
Mom: Let me know how it works out and if you need more of my help.
11 year old child: OK
Please note: The second example of a parent-child dialogue does takes more of your time and thoughtful attention but it is well worth the effort. This approach engages you in a thoughtful, caring and encouraging relationship with your child. The two main components of this kind of dialogue include being empathetic to your child's feelings and prompting him or her to think through the matter with your open questions. This accomplishes two key things: 1) Your child learns that it is safe for him or her to talk to you about difficult experiences with peers and #2) it building confidence in their own ability to discern right from wrong make healthy and Godly choices.
It should also be noted hear that children who have been developing their talents and learning to work responsibly will likely have more confidence among their peers. Confident and capable children who have a loving home and open rapport with their parents will feel less pressure from their pears. Kids with shaky self confidence and low self worth are far more likely to develop a "pseudo self confidence" based on their acceptance from the peer group.
A Few Words on the Matter of Discipline
Parents need to spell out what is expected behaviorally in terms of responsible and moral behavior in the home. Parents who have a strong need to please their or placate their child must snap out of this or they will stifle the maturation process.
We recommend parents decide in advance what the "natural consequences" are for missing the mark in key areas.
For example: Politeness and respect might be expected for certain privileges such as TV, video games, hobbies, , time with friends, etc., etc. No child should grow up thinking that such things are simple entitlements!
If the expected standards are violated, then certain privileges (you decide which in advance) will be temporarily removed for a specified period of time. This is the technique we described earlier as "Response Cost." The difference now is that your son or daughter should have more mental ability to grasp the concept of expected reasonable standards.
Each child may have their own areas that are troubling. Thus, you have to decide which natural consequences make the most impact on each particular child. The highly social child might find loss of time with friends a more painful consequence than loss of a toy or hobby privilege. The child who likes to build or draw might find wit holding their access to their Legos gos or art supplies having a bigger sting. The child who is highly energetic might find tat missing outside play sends the loudest message.
Again we must think in terms of age-appropriate contingencies. When a child is in his young school age years, missing out on the family movie night may be a real attention getting consequence for misbehavior. In later years missing out on computer privileges, guitar playing or outings with friends may be more appropriate consequences.
In short, decide what behaviors you want to address and try to communicate in advance what will logically happen if the child misbehaves. That way you are not just applying punishment for a misbehavior but simply allowing the child to experience the logical consequence of his or her poor choices that was previously explained. You can then take on an empathetic but strong parental posture by saying something like, "I am really sorry to see you miss out on that since I know how much it means to you. I hope you can learn something from this so it doesn't have to happen to you again."
Natural consequences are generally the next step up and these are more costly sometimes with more embarrassing social costs. For example withholding your child from a karate classes, dance classes or other highly desired program might be necessqary if there continued violations despite the application of lesser naturaal consequences on previous occasions. Poor grades in schookl might mean "Summer school" instead of "Summer Camp. Always start with the natural consequences first, if the child fails to respond you might have to "up the ante." It would be far better to see them experience the pain of a dissappointing summer than allow them to continue in patterns of irresponsibility that allow them to fail in school or get into serious trouble as teens.
Incentives can and should also be considered to impress the value of responsible behavior on y0our child.
Bear in mind that what we really want is for our children to make the connection that special privilages may be earned through responsible behavior and hard work. While it might sound like a bribe, we might find that a some children could be very motivated to work hard to attain a desired goal or extra benefit.
If it is in the budget, offering some special incentive for a high level of achievement that has been maintained over a specified period of time might be considered. For example, "if you stay on the honor roll over the next year , I'll help you get the instrument you have been saving up for." If you do well in the ham radio class, we will pay 50% of that radio you have been wanting. Please keep in mind that you would not want to offer such incentives for things that are feasonable expectations such as being cooperative, polite, doing regular chores, etc., etc. Incentivs are best when the level of performance and dilligence goes above the call o0f duty.
The next post will address some of the most important core principles and tasks in the teen years.
Many Blessings,
Michael J. Miller MEd, LPC., LCSW
www.christianfamilyguidancecenter.com
We can't urge yyou strongly enough on this factor. The days of "family friendly" media started coming to an end in the mid to late 1960s.
You must not allow school age children free and full access to the media.
You may not like it, but we are going to say it anyway. You can't have blatant double standards. If it is unhealthy for the kids - it is probably unhealthy for you. Certainly there may be some movies you and your mate watch that could be too intense or to complex for the kids. What we are really talking about here is whether or not the adults in the household are watching things that contain scenes or language that is inappropriate for God's people to watch, much less the children. If you feel you have to hit the mute button or turn the picture off when the kids walk in, you may have the double standard we are talking about. We recommend that you set an example for your children and they see that you too have values that you actually live by.
Much of what we have been talking about thus far, falls under the category of "entertainment." That word contains two root words, "enter" (which means to come in) and "tain" (which means to hold). Given that understanding, exactly what kind of influences do you want to enter into your children and hold them?!!! Think about it. Our brain cells are like "little trees" with multiple branches that interconnect with about 1000 billion other such cells. Everything in life gets recorded. What kind of memory trees are going to be build in your children's minds?
Don't even think of letting your kids on the computer unless you have good parental. controls and internet filters such as: Be Safe Online. www. bsafeonline.com
Any computer a child uses should be in an open traffic area and their time on it should be computer should be structured according to age level and work responsibility.
There should be similar control on cell phones. When children are young they might have a phone that is reprogrammed for emergency calls. By the time they are given a regular cell phone they should have some financial responsibility tied to its use.
You must also be cautious about email and social networkingng sites such as Facebook, Myspace etc. Many child predators try to gain access to children through these methods.
For more information on the use of media in your home we recommend you read
Disconnected by Chap & Dee Clark.
Last but not least in this school age period we come to:
Core Principal # 11: Become the Architect of your children's peer group.
Yes, we really did say that! You must make every effort to meet families who share your parenting and lifestyle values. The children from these families can then become your children's "inner circle" of friends. This task may be a little easier if you choose the homeschooling or Christian schooling options but even if you don't, you must not neglect to make every effort to see that your kids spend much of their recreation time around "like-minded" family and peer influences.
While it is unrealistic to think you can control all such factors in your children's lives, you are not likely to regret your efforts given the state of our current culture. Even if your child is in a public school system you can still work to help cultivate many positive family and peer relationships. The earlier you start on this, the better.
A necessary part of this strategy is to make sure you equip your son or daughter with the knowledge and skills to assess the qualities of healthy relationships. That means you should have an open rapport with your children where they know it is safe to share their thoughts and feelings about their peer relationships. Rather than simply telling them what they should do or think we recommend helping them learn to evaluate such issues by asking open ended questions. Consider the following two dialogues:
How not to do it!
10 year old child: Mom Johnny sometimes says words that are bad and even calls me names.
Mom: Well you tell Johny that if he does it again I am going to have a talk with his mom!
10 year old: But if you do that he will really give me more trouble at school!
Mom: Just do what I say! I'll take care of it!
A better alternative.
11 year old child: Mom Johnny sometimes says words that are bad and even calls me names.
Mom: How long has that been going on?
10 year old: Ever since I have known him.
Mom: What do you do when it happens.
11 year old: Nothing usually.
Mom; How do you feel when he does that..
11 year old: I feel uncomfortable and don't like to hear it. Sometimes I am embarrassed if others hear him.
Mom: Have you ever thought about asking Johnny to stop doing it around you?
11 year old: Yes ,but I am afraid he might make fun of me.
Mom: If he does that what do you think you might have to do to?
11 year old: I'll probably have to stop spending time with him and find another friend to
talk to at school.
Mom: Well, it sounds to me like you may have to find out if he is going to respect you as a friend and make this change or not.
11 year old: Yep! I guess so, but I think it will still be hard for me.
Mom: The Bible says we have to speak truth in love and this sounds like it may be one of those times. I think you have a good head on your shoulders and you can find a nice way to tell him. How he responds will let you know if you can maintain your friendship with him.
11year old: Thanks mom, I know you are right.
Mom: Let me know how it works out and if you need more of my help.
11 year old child: OK
Please note: The second example of a parent-child dialogue does takes more of your time and thoughtful attention but it is well worth the effort. This approach engages you in a thoughtful, caring and encouraging relationship with your child. The two main components of this kind of dialogue include being empathetic to your child's feelings and prompting him or her to think through the matter with your open questions. This accomplishes two key things: 1) Your child learns that it is safe for him or her to talk to you about difficult experiences with peers and #2) it building confidence in their own ability to discern right from wrong make healthy and Godly choices.
It should also be noted hear that children who have been developing their talents and learning to work responsibly will likely have more confidence among their peers. Confident and capable children who have a loving home and open rapport with their parents will feel less pressure from their pears. Kids with shaky self confidence and low self worth are far more likely to develop a "pseudo self confidence" based on their acceptance from the peer group.
A Few Words on the Matter of Discipline
Parents need to spell out what is expected behaviorally in terms of responsible and moral behavior in the home. Parents who have a strong need to please their or placate their child must snap out of this or they will stifle the maturation process.
We recommend parents decide in advance what the "natural consequences" are for missing the mark in key areas.
For example: Politeness and respect might be expected for certain privileges such as TV, video games, hobbies, , time with friends, etc., etc. No child should grow up thinking that such things are simple entitlements!
If the expected standards are violated, then certain privileges (you decide which in advance) will be temporarily removed for a specified period of time. This is the technique we described earlier as "Response Cost." The difference now is that your son or daughter should have more mental ability to grasp the concept of expected reasonable standards.
Each child may have their own areas that are troubling. Thus, you have to decide which natural consequences make the most impact on each particular child. The highly social child might find loss of time with friends a more painful consequence than loss of a toy or hobby privilege. The child who likes to build or draw might find wit holding their access to their Legos gos or art supplies having a bigger sting. The child who is highly energetic might find tat missing outside play sends the loudest message.
Again we must think in terms of age-appropriate contingencies. When a child is in his young school age years, missing out on the family movie night may be a real attention getting consequence for misbehavior. In later years missing out on computer privileges, guitar playing or outings with friends may be more appropriate consequences.
In short, decide what behaviors you want to address and try to communicate in advance what will logically happen if the child misbehaves. That way you are not just applying punishment for a misbehavior but simply allowing the child to experience the logical consequence of his or her poor choices that was previously explained. You can then take on an empathetic but strong parental posture by saying something like, "I am really sorry to see you miss out on that since I know how much it means to you. I hope you can learn something from this so it doesn't have to happen to you again."
Natural consequences are generally the next step up and these are more costly sometimes with more embarrassing social costs. For example withholding your child from a karate classes, dance classes or other highly desired program might be necessqary if there continued violations despite the application of lesser naturaal consequences on previous occasions. Poor grades in schookl might mean "Summer school" instead of "Summer Camp. Always start with the natural consequences first, if the child fails to respond you might have to "up the ante." It would be far better to see them experience the pain of a dissappointing summer than allow them to continue in patterns of irresponsibility that allow them to fail in school or get into serious trouble as teens.
Incentives can and should also be considered to impress the value of responsible behavior on y0our child.
Bear in mind that what we really want is for our children to make the connection that special privilages may be earned through responsible behavior and hard work. While it might sound like a bribe, we might find that a some children could be very motivated to work hard to attain a desired goal or extra benefit.
If it is in the budget, offering some special incentive for a high level of achievement that has been maintained over a specified period of time might be considered. For example, "if you stay on the honor roll over the next year , I'll help you get the instrument you have been saving up for." If you do well in the ham radio class, we will pay 50% of that radio you have been wanting. Please keep in mind that you would not want to offer such incentives for things that are feasonable expectations such as being cooperative, polite, doing regular chores, etc., etc. Incentivs are best when the level of performance and dilligence goes above the call o0f duty.
The next post will address some of the most important core principles and tasks in the teen years.
Many Blessings,
Michael J. Miller MEd, LPC., LCSW
www.christianfamilyguidancecenter.com
